Nonviolent communication

Nonviolent communication (NVC) is a methodology for communicating without violence. NVC theory supposes that where communication is free of violence, the result is compassion and where communication is compassionate the world can become more wonderful for everyone. In the context of NVC, violence includes the use of shame, guilt, obligation, punishment or anything else leading to dominant/subordinant relationships. It centers around the model;

Honest expression and empathetic reception of:

Observations free of evaluations;
Feelings straight from the heart;
Needs, values and longings; and
Requests expressed clearly in positive action language.

Example: Normally person A might have said;

You're always making a mess! You should stop being so messy and be like everyone else!

But after attending an NVC workshop A realized the above statement is ineffective in communicating their intention. It provides evaluation (making a mess) without observation, fails to express feelings and needs directly and the request was phrased vaguely and negatively. Furthermore, it exaggerates (always), indicates obligation (should) and compares behavior to others (everyone else). Now A might - after calming their breathing - say;

I see you're wearing your muddy boots in the house, this happened yesterday too. I feel irritated and worn out about this because I need cleanliness and cooperation. Would you consider taking off your boots by the door from now on?

After feeling connected to the reality of the observation, listening to the feelings and hearing the needs of person A, person B is more likely to constructively respond to A's request.

NVC beliefs

All human beings share the same needs
Our world offers sufficient resources for meeting everyone's basic needs
All actions are attempts to meet needs
Feelings point to needs being met or unmet
All human beings have the capacity for compassion
Human beings enjoy giving
Human beings meet needs through interdependent relationships
Human beings change
Choice is internal
The most direct path to peace is through self-connection

Blocks to compassionate communication

Moralistic judgement: you're wrong...

Demands: you have to...

Denial of responsibility: I have to...

Making comparisons: They're better than...

Deserving: I deserve...

Feelings when needs are met

Affectionate

compassionate

friendly

loving

open hearted

sympathetic

tender

warm

Confident

empowered

open

proud

safe

secure

Engaged

absorbed

alert

curious

engrossed

enchanted

entranced

fascinated

interested

intrigued

involved

spellbound

stimulated

Inspired

amazed

awed

wonder

Excited

amazed

animated

ardent

aroused

astonished

dazzled

eager

energetic

enthusiastic

giddy

invigorated

lively

passionate

surprised

vibrant

Exhilirated

blissful

ecstatic

elated

enthralled

exuberant

radiant

rapturous

thrilled

Grateful

appreciative

moved

thankful

touched

Hopeful

expectant

encouraged

optimistic

Joyful

amused

delighted

glad

happy

jubilant

pleased

tickled

Peaceful

calm

clear headed

comfortable

centered

content

equanimous

fulfilled

mellow

quiet

relaxed

relieved

satisfiedserene

still

tranquil

trusting

Refreshed

enlivened

rejuvenated

renewed

rested

restored

revived

Feelings when needs are not met

AFRAID

apprehensive

dread

foreboding

frightened

panicked

petrified

scared

suspicious

terrified

wary

worried

anxious

tense

ANNOYED

aggravated

dismayed

disgruntled

displeased

exasperated

frustrated

impatient

irritated

cranky

ANGRY

enraged

furious

incensed

indignant

irate

livid

outraged

resentful

CONFUSED

ambivalent

baffled

bewildered

dazed

hesitant

lost

mystified

perplexed

puzzled

torn

EMBARRASSED

ashamed

chagrined

flustered

mortified

self-conscious

AVERSION

animosity

appalled

contempt

disgusted

dislike

hate

horrified

hostile

repulsed

YEARNING

envious

jealous

longing

nostalgic

pining

wistful

DISQUIET

agitated

alarmed

discombobulated

disconcerted

disturbed

distressed

perturbed

rattled

edgy

restless

shocked

startled

surprised

troubled

uncomfortable

uneasy

unsettled

upset

FATIGUE

beat

burnt out

depleted

exhausted

lethargic

listless

sleepy

tired

weary

worn out

PAIN
agony
anguished
bereaved
devastated
grief
heartbroken
hurt
lonely
miserable
regret
SAD
hopeless
depressed
dejected
despair
despondent
disappointed
discouraged
disheartened
forlorn
gloomy
heavy hearted
hopeless
unhappy
VULNERABLE
fragile
guarded
helpless
insecure
leery
reserved
sensitive
shaky
DISCONNECTED
alienated
aloof
apathetic
bored
cold
detached
distant
distracted
indifferent
numb
removed
uninterested
withdrawn

Needs

CONNECTION

acceptance

affection

appreciation

belonging

cooperation

communication

closeness

community

companionship

compassion

consideration

consistency

empathy

inclusion

intimacy

love

mutuality

nurturing

respect/self-respect

CONNECTION continued

safety

security

stability

support

to know and be known

to see and be seen

to understand and

be understood

trust

warmth

PHYSICAL WELL-BEING

air

food

movement/exercise

rest/sleep

sexual expression

safety

shelter

touch

water

HONESTY

authenticity

integrity

presence

PLAY

joy

humor

PEACE

beauty

communion

ease

equality

harmony

inspiration

order

AUTONOMY

choice

freedom

independence

space

spontaneity

MEANING

awareness

celebration of life

challenge

clarity

competence

consciousness

contribution

creativity

discovery

efficacy

effectiveness

growth

hope

learning

mourning

participation

purpose

self-expression

stimulation

to matter

understanding

meta

Type: methodology
Phase: Attitude for all phases, Celebration, Dreaming, Planning, Doing
Works well with:
Incompatible with:
Part of:
Requires:
Made easier with: practice