Little productivity and deep emotional changes

For me the time I spent at the WuppBreak in Neuried were the most intense two weeks of my life so far. I did not work productively most of the time and rather took the name of the event quite literally, which led to me partying and enjoying myself and others a lot. The ubiquitous beauty, love and freedom made me fall into a state of mind similar to a teenager's and I relished it to the fullest. In the end I became a somehow different person than who I was before.

The little yunity work I still did do

I was expecting to work on planning the FSINT tours in Neuried, since this would be the first time when literally everyone we had talked to about this would be in one place again. My plan was to get some kind of a timetable on who would actually go where at what time, and I think that worked out pretty well. For me, the personal talks to Paul Free and Anna O'Neill were much more fruitful in terms of connecting the two groups of people interested in touring, but having slightly different visions on how to go about it, than the dreaming meetings we had in the beginning. I think our bigger dreams don't differ that much, and that we only have different foci. So for me there's no obstacle to working together, and if it will be in the form of a friendly competition, than that's completely fine with me! :)

When Tilmann and me finally published the guidelines subpage, I was extremely happy, because I had already finished implementing it weeks ago and Tais' initial idea for it was months old. So yay to that! ^^

Also the many personal explanations about lamâsching I actually count as yunity work...^^ Even though I didn't finish my presentation (mainly, because after a while I didn't think it'd be necessary anymore for this WuppBreak), I think I did introduce a lot of new people to this part of /wiki/spaces/ARCHIVE/pages/30572727.

In the end I think that my selfish disappearing from the 15th to the 18th of September and making Tilmann a part of it greatly influenced the loss of structure at the WuppBreak and ended the FSINT morning meetings. I am sorry about that.

Pretty personal social and psychological retrospective

I met a lot of amazing people on this WuppBreak, many of which I didn't know before or hadn't seen in a long time. The one that comes to mind first is the amazingly cute Kaiser Mikato, who may have triggered me to give in even more to my already acute power trip by flattering me like I've never before experienced it and treating me like some kind of queen. I really enjoyed that, but already when it was happening people like the precious Tais Real, who I was very happy to meet again after some months, voiced their concerns, and also Luke did not actually approve, even though he was constantly smiling.

Yes, this power trip thing is real and could have turned me into an asshole even more than it already did... Because of the things that happened in me during these two weeks, I am overhauling my system of values now. I need to find a new balance between honesty and niceness, which also has implications on my behavior when it comes to being actively doocrat or politely contained. Read the next chapter for more details on that...

Very personal emotional retrospective

Okay, this is huge and actually the most important thing that happened for me in Neuried, so I'll start chronologically...

When I arrived at the venue, I was already mostly looking forward to seeing Tilmann again, and indeed, I then spent most of my time with him, building what should turn out to be a very sensual romance. This time-management of mine didn't even change when Luke arrived, the man I already have been in a partnership with for 8 years and who I love dearly, but who sometimes is even too sweet and understanding for my taste. I told him to set me boundaries and was constantly surprised about his, for me, unparalleled acceptance of me intensely and nakedly lamâsching basically everyone, but mainly Tilmann. Still, I have to admit that I knowingly violated the few rules he did set for me (like, no kissing on the lips and no sexual interaction). I won't make excuses, that was shitty of me. I can only try to find explanations:

I'm weak when it comes to resisting pleasant emotions and sensations.
It somehow did not feel wrong, even though I rationally knew that it was. Since I never questioned my love for Luke it did not feel like betraying him to me.
Once I started I was basically high on hormones the whole time. Oh yes, and there was also a bit of alcohol...
In the beginning I thought I'd never tell him anyways, because, you know, I'm a pretty skilled liar.
I started a process, which I called 'embracing of my inner asshole' and reassessed my personal relation to honesty, while becoming more aware of the fact that I'm pretty egocentric and epicurean most of the time and that I normally simply hide that.
Over time I realized that just never mentioning this towards Luke would not work anyways, because this thing I was building with Tilmann got more intense, serious and emotional by the day.
I asked myself what kind of person I want to be and came to the conclusion that it's not a liar, who is just not discovered, but rather an honest perpetrator, who faces the consequences of what she'd done and is doing.
Pretty soon I began to dream of the possibly amazing implications of this decision for honesty: Maybe, just maybe, I could carry on having a long-term partnership and still enjoy this new, exciting and satisfying relationship, that was just in its starting phase.
Still doubtful about the reaction Luke would show when I'd finally tell him, I thought I needed to fully enjoy this situation with Tilmann now, in case that would be it.
Also, since I had already decided to take the blame for this decision, I thought I deserved to take all the pleasure I possibly could, too.

Luke's totally valid criticism can be found /wiki/spaces/~luke/pages/63406125.

It was very convenient for me that we don't have a culture of telling in yunity, when it comes to this kind of things. Traditional relationship categories cannot be taken for granted, so probably nobody knows what actually is okay and what is not. Still, I am thankful for the cautiously uttered words of reason from fr4nk 0nf1r3 and Matthias Larisch, because they were totally justified. For the future I think we need more clarity in the group about how to handle complicated love stories. Do we just want to live the 'don't ask, don't tell' policy and let every constellation of people handle their emotional baggage themselves? Do we want to have a totally transparent board of attraction, that could seem quite gossipy? Although... didn't we already start this somehow with the Lamâsching Availability? At least the current status of my complicated love story can be found there...