Blame game vs. enhancing understanding

The blame game starts as soon as someone attributes their own feelings to the actions of another person. Sentences like 'You make me feel uneasy.' or 'Because of your discouragement i couldn't speak up.' are meant to shift the blame for the personal inhibitions of one to the social behaviour of another. This is not how grownups are supposed to behave. They should be able to control themselves and work around their trigger points to be able to function as productive as possible in a group situation. The thing is: They mostly don't.

If there is a human being that needs constant positive feedback to overcome its insecurities, a phrase like the above-mentioned one could be 100% true: It was the discouraging utterance of a single colleague, that made it impossible for this deeply inhibited person to speak up. Now this is not nessecarily the beginning of a blame game. It can be, of course, but it all depends on how it is handled communicatively. See these scenarios:

Scenario A-B
A: "Because of your discouragement i couldn't speak up! I was ready to ask a question to the plenum, but you just destroyed my determination by pointing out that my hair looked different today! Why did you have to be so mean?!"
B: "Erm, i never intended this to be mean, I actually tried to compliment your new hairdo!"
A: "But you should know that i have a problem with speaking in front of people, why would you say this in that exact moment?!"
B: "Well, I'm sorry?! You are being unfair now, i only tried to be friendly and now i'm getting yelled at. What the fuck is even happening here?!"
A: "And now you're even swearing at me, i can't believe it! Please, just go away!"
B: "I really thought i liked you. Well now i know better..."

This one clearly is a nonproductive blame game. A has insecurities and tries to shift the blame for them to B, who just happened to be there at the time and said something. Maybe B was a bit careless, but he never intended any harm. But what about this one:

Scenario C-D
C: "Because of your discouragement i couldn't speak up! I was ready to ask a question to the plenum, but then you told me that i'd fail anyways and that my face looks stupid. Why did you have to be so mean?!"
D: "Well, because it's true. You should just quit anyway."

This one doesn't even need to be elaborated, since it obviously was a mean statement, uttered with the intend to discourage C. In this case the term blame game doesn't fit at all, and if D employed it to keep C from pointing out where the blame lay from the beginning, it would simply be hiding. Sure, if C was not inhibited from the start, it would have been possible for him to just ignore the dirty trick of D and to go on with the plan of asking the question. But there are many people not capable of that and in this scenario D made use of the widespread fear of social failure. Is D not to blame for this behaviour? Is it still only C who needs to grow and become more secure just by himself? Let's push this example even harder:

Scenario E-F
E: "Because of your discouragement i couldn't speak up! I was ready to ask a question to the plenum, but then you told me that i'd fail anyways and that my face looks stupid. Why did you have to be so mean?!"
F: "Um..."
E: "Seriously! I know you know about my problem, i have told you so much about my insecurities and you said that you'd support me! Aren't we friends?!"
F: "Well... yes we are! I just thought it might be funny to tease you a little..."
E: "It was not! You should have known!"
F: "Sorry, i obviously misinterpreted the situation."

In this case F undoubtedly was at fault. He admits it in the end because it is the truth: He misinterpreted the situation. Things like that happen, and it is even more important to talk about them, when the people involved in the communiaction plan on continuing to do so. If it is friends or colleages, who care about each other and want the communication to really succeed, issues like these need to be addressed and cleared. It is not about putting the blame on somebody to make him feel bad, but about finding out which behavioural patterns are acceptable and wich are not.
So from this point of view, the one that tries to improve communicative behaviours and to enhance understanding instead of putting one of the participating parties down to raise oneself above them (be it to feel like the 'winner' of the discussion, to appear like the one with all the answers or just for the purpose of being right), we should reevaluate the talk between A and B:
A instantly started blaming B and didn't even listen to his intentions. They both got worked up emotionally very fast, got annoyed at each other and didn't try to understand the other anymore. A could have believed B, that the comment made was not meant to harm. B could have stopped himself from getting so worked up as to swear. A could have tried to not let the communication escalate even more after that. B could have tried to not react as bitchy as he did in the end.

What do we learn from that?

• It is important to keep a cool head when discussing emotional topics.
• It is important to know who you can trust and to not lose track of who your friends are just because of a silly situation of misunderstanding.
• It is important to keep in mind who you are talking to and what they can handle.
• It is important to remember the trigger points of those close to you, to avoid triggering them and to know how to handle reactions elicited by activated triggers.