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Script for Douglas Webb and Nick Sellen's performance on the Open Stage in Rotterdam on 2016-03-27. They haven't had read the script before performing.

Written cooperatively by Tais Real and Janina Abels.



The waitress Elina at the beginning.

Being annoying and nosy with Nick the customer. “Oh so you’re waiting for a friend? You’re waiting for a date? You’re waiting for a tinder date aren’t you? or maybe even trinder ;) ? Is it the first time you’re meeting? Oh gosh that’s so exciting, can I see what he’s said to you so far? Oh whahoo amazing (Reading out her text in her sleekiest accent)

  • Hi Kim! Are you in Rotterdam atm?

  • Hey! Yes i am, available in the afternoon. you?

  • Nice. Should we go for a cup of tea?

  • Ok. Can you come to Zuidplein?

  • Yes I can ride my bike.

“I’m telling you Kim, it’s in the pocket with this one!!!”

Doug comes in and sits.

D: Hi there

N: Hey

D: You’re Kim, right?

N: Yes. I really liked your picture!

D: Oh yeah, I’m the 13th guy on the left, I guess you recognised me? We’re posing with this group of people that I’m yunited with.

N: Yes i figured, haha. The good looking one… ;)

D: Sure but you know, we all find our ways to express our inner beauty, especially when we wupp.

N: ‘Wupp’? What is that supposed to mean?

D: Wupp… as in… Wuppwupp…

N: Never heard of it…

D: Oh? Never? Have you heard of Wakawaka?

N: You use so many strange words…

D: Oh. You like that?

N: Well… yes..? ^^ [pause] Tell me more about your expression of inner beauty!

D: Well actually I wrote an article about it in my personal space that I linked to my tinder profile. I thought you would have checked it out.

N: Erm… we were chatting for like 5 minutes. Do you take me for a stalker?!

D: Certainly not, I just assume anyone would always check any link provided to them, really. But that must be just me. So you haven’t read our whole wiki, have you?

N: You wrote a whole wiki??? You people seem to have a lot of time at your hands… What is it you actually do?!

D: Me? Well I guess I write wikis. But this wiki was co-written with the 50 people I lamâsche with.

N: And here we go again with the strange words…^^

D: Lamâsche! It’s not weird, don’t worry, it just means corn salad.

N: Oh… so… you eat, like, corn salad together? What are you, a group of anonymous anorexics? o.0

D: No no! We eat a looot of food, and it even comes from the dumpsters.

N: Really… that doesn’t make it better at all…

D: Oh! Wait! Did I mention that we’re trying to make the world a better place?

N: By eating corn salad from the bin, writing wikis and using strange words noone has ever heard of before..? I actually don’t know if i wanna know where this goes…Do you at least earn decent money?

D: Absolutely! We earn no money at all because that’s they way we want it to be.

N: … So that means i’m paying for these drinks, doesn’t it?

D: Well, yes… But that’s totally fine because afterwards i can give you like 5 kilos of oranges at my place!

N: I like oranges. But frankly, I don’t know if I want to follow you to your place now.

D: Okay, i somehow have the feeling that we got off on the wrong foot… Let me start again: I’m part of this really awesome project that aims to connect people on a much more significant level than just through financial dependencies and superficial relationships. See, i wanted to try out tinder to prove that even a place like this, where people are basically objects to be rated and just swooshed away if they don’t please by their looks, can offer the possibility to really reach another person and touch them on an emotional level. Do you see where i’m going..?

N: Yeah, you’re basically using tinder as an advertising tool for something that’s not even doing any money. I have to say, darl, that’s quite brilliant! Did I mention I liked oranges ? ;)

D: … Am I blushing right now?

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1 Comment

  1. haha, never stumbled upon this one before (smile)